A couple of weeks ago, I made a routine phone call to check in with our birth mother. We started out our conversation normal as always, asking how the other was doing, and what we have been up to. The conversation ended up taking a strange turn. I guess I should no longer label her "our birth mother"... and I should never have made that assumption that just because we had matched with her that she would be that. She told me that she had changed her mind, and that she was so terribly sorry for the heart ache that she caused me and that she knew we would find a baby for our family. I held my composure and I told her that was okay and wished her all the best for her future. I hung up the phone and lost it. I was not really okay... I put up a front for her, because I knew how hard it was for her to tell me that over the phone. I called Josh to let him know the news. I sobbed into the receiver. I went into the nursery and collapsed in the floor with tears steadily streaming down my face. I knew that I had to talk to our consultant at FAC, so I called her and she was already aware of my situation. I didn't know what I was going to do, and she did her best to console me and calm me down over the phone. She told me that it was okay to grieve.. and that was exactly what I was doing. I was so emotionally involved in this situation with this particular baby... and it had wrecked me. I called one of my best friends and she sobbed over the phone with me.. just as I had done with her other times over other devastation in our lives. I didn't feel any better, but it felt good to have someone to cry with me and pray for me. I text another friend and she said she would pray for me. That was what I needed in my time of despair... God.
I am a part of an adoption support group on Facebook, and I posted my woes on there to get some encouragement. One of the girls posted her sorrys... and at the end had "Psalms 61-63". I grabbed my Bible and turned to those chapters. I immediately had a peace come over me. I decided to call and talk to our agency, and my social worker expected me to be more of a basket case than I was. I asked her how we move forward from this... what do we do? She said that she had two babies that were agency picks, which means that the birth parents want the agency to pick the adoptive family. We would immediately be eligible for one of them. We talked over the situations, and decided to match with a woman that was expecting a little girl at the end of March. Our hearts were broken... but we knew we just had to move on.
A few days later the agency told me that there was talk that our original birth mom might possibly change her mind, and that if she did then we could kind of just wait it out to see what would happen. The original birth mom contacted the agency and said she was sure that she wanted to change her mind, and if we were still open to adopting her daughter, that she wanted to place with us. We prayed about it and very quickly decided that was where we needed to be. I got back in contact with this original mom, and things seemed to be right back on track.
Lets fast forward a little bit to March 4th... I got a phone call from the agency saying that our birth mom was at the hospital and they were going to decide if they would do a c-section that night or not because she had really high blood pressure. The doctors made the call, and around 5:30 PM a baby girl entered this world weighing 5lbs 6oz. We were ecstatic, and caught the next flight out in the morning to go meet this little baby. We were so anxious and excited about this news, and we called all of our close friends and family to let them know that the day we had been waiting on arrived.
We landed in Utah, got our rental car, and drove to the hospital where we hoped to meet our future daughter. We walked in the hospital and my phone rang. It was the birth mom... she asked where we were and I told her we were just down stairs. She said that she needed to let me know that she held the baby and she just couldn't go through with her plan. Here I was again... completely shattered. We had just flown all the way to Utah with our emotions running high and our excitement through the roof just to be shot down yet again. I was shaking in anger... I was broken... I was mad at God in that moment. How could He allow us to get all the way here just to be told that she wasn't going to go through with it?
We spent the next hours in our little tiny rental car sobbing and questioning what would happen next. We felt betrayed and angry... but most of all disappointed because we would be coming back home with an empty car seat. All of our dreams were shattered that day, and all we could do was cry out to God for help. I didn't eat for the remainder of the day, and we just checked into our hotel as soon as we could. I showered and collapsed in the bed. I slept for few hours and then got up and got ready and dressed so we could go get some medicine to make us sleep and help us get rid of our head aches. I truly hoped that Tylenol would help rid myself of my aching heart.
I spent the remainder of the night lying in bed and praying every time I woke up. That next morning I woke up with a sense of peace ... but then every time I would get a text message from a friend or family member either asking about the baby or saying they were sorry, I lost it. I wished I could hide under a rock somewhere, but God kept reminding me that it was a new day, and that He had a plan. At this time, God has not revealed His plan to us, but I truly believe that this was all part of His grand scheme.
People keep telling me how mad they are at that mom, and they couldn't believe what she had done to us. I am not saying that I never felt angry towards her for playing with my emotions, but I can't be mad at her for taking a baby that is hers and she wants. I will never forget this little baby, and I will never stop wishing the best for her. I pray that she has a wonderful life, and that one day she will be a child of God.
Please continue to pray for us on this adoption journey. We have not given up, and we know that God has something big in store for us... we just have to have faith in our future.
