When I last posted, I told of how our hearts were broken by a mother who changed her mind when we arrived at the hospital to meet and take home the baby she had just given birth to. We were in Utah, hundreds of miles away from anyone and anything we knew. We stayed there in that foreign place for a couple of days, just because going home empty handed didn't seem like something we were up for immediately. While we were there, we visited with our social worker from the adoption agency we were involved with. She invited us into her home and let us pour out our broken hearts to her. She knew just how devastating it must have been to travel so far for nothing.
Before we left her house she told us that she wanted to get us matched as quickly as possible, because that is what they do when a failed adoption takes place. She shared some situations with us, and we really weren't interested. We didn't think our hearts could take anymore that soon. She told us that she would email me a particular birth mom situation for us to look at and consider. We were told that the birth mom would know about what had just happened to us, and that if she wasn't certain about her decision, she should just skip over our profile. She text me after leaving her house and said that maybe that situation was the reason we were really in Utah, because that birth mom was there. Josh and I talked about it briefly, and we called our consultant, Courtney, to fill her in on the latest. We told her about our reservations, but she told us this was really a great opportunity and she believed we should present, but the decision would be up to us. She also told us that she had another situation that she wanted us to present on, and the price was way less than anything else we had seen. It was for boy and girl twins. We told her that we would present on that one, but that we still weren't sure about the one in Utah.
Just a few hours later, Courtney called and said she was not going to let us present for the twins, because it ended up looking like a messy situation. She told us to still think about the situation in Utah, and to just pray about it. That night I prayed, and I prayed. I prayed without ceasing. I prayed that God would make it clear what He wanted us to do. I never got that clearness. I was so mad, because I wanted this sign from God telling me what to do! Just 30 minutes before we had to let the social worker know if we would present or not, Josh and I decided that if it was God's will, this mom would pick us. If not, then it just wasn't meant to be. We were also pretty certain she wouldn't pick us because of what she would be told about our situation, and about the certainty she must have in her decision if she chose us. I called the social worker and told her to present our profile, and we would just let God's will be done.
Since we were in Salt Lake City, Utah... and we needed to get our minds off the events the last few days, we left our hotel and headed to Park City for some sight seeing in the mountains. We went to the Olympic Park and watched some kids training on the ski jumps, and then we headed to Main Street to check out all the cool shops and eat lunch right by the slopes. When we were browsing one of the cool art shops, the social worker called. I knew what she was going to say... that because of our situation we were not chosen. Wow... I was wrong! The social worker asked if we could go pick up the birth mom in just a few hours to have dinner because she had chosen us, and she wanted us to make sure it was a good fit. Wait... what?! We were chosen? I didn't know if I was supposed to be excited or nervous or happy... I didn't know what emotion I was supposed to feel, because I had just had my heart broken, and sadness was the only emotion I had felt for days.
We ate a quick bite for lunch, and then headed back to the hotel to get ready. Neither of us were very excited or happy like most parents are when they find out they were matched. We put up a wall.... we were guarding ourselves this time, and we weren't going to let ourselves get excited. We picked up this precious woman at her apartment, and took her to eat dinner. I walked up to her door and knocked, There was never a moment of awkwardness, never a moment of silence. We were comfortable with one another, and she assured us that what had just happened to us would not happen again. She told us that on May 1st, the little girl she was carrying would officially be ours. I wanted to believe her... I really did, but I couldn't trust someone after what we had just been through. Our dinner was great, and we learned more about one another. She was just as curious about us as we were about her. We sat at dinner for a few hours and just talked. After we took her back home, we called our social worker, and Courtney to let them know how it went. We had nothing but good news to report... however, we were still uneasy.
When we headed to Utah, we thought we would be leaving with a beautiful bundle of joy. When we arrived we thought we would be leaving completely heart broken and empty handed, instead... we left with hope. When we got back home, we didn't tell anyone about our new match, because we couldn't bear to deal with telling people if it fell through. We kept quiet, and we kept our hearts guarded. I never felt certain about it at all... always questioning the agency if they really thought this mom would go through with it.
The weeks flew by, and before we knew it, it was time to book airline tickets to fly back to Utah. My heart sank when I purchased those tickets... what if we were flying into heart break again? We headed home for my step-brother's wedding, and then would be flying out of Nashville to go to Utah. The day had arrived, and my heart was still unsure. When we got to Utah, we got our rental car and headed to get the birth mom from her apartment so she could have one more good meal before being admitted to the hospital. This meal was different from the first. We didn't have as much to talk about, but I think we were all nervous about the next day. She told us that night that she wanted us at the hospital for the birth. It made me so happy to know that she wanted us there to be a part of it all.
Little did we know that next day would become the greatest day of our lives. We arrived at the hospital at 10:00 a.m. and headed to the birth mom's room. She was in labor, and was dilated 6 cm. We sat and talked to her, and watched the monitors for contractions. They were definitely getting closer and closer. I knew it was almost time for the baby to come. I asked her if I could pray with her, and she agreed, so I said a quick prayer for her safety, the safety of the baby, and that God's will would be done. As soon as I said "Amen", she asked if I could hit the call button, because she was ready to push. The nurse rushed in, and we left the room. Just moments later, a doctor came running down the hall. We were escorted by a nurse to the waiting area. About 15 minutes later, another nurse came to get us and said that the baby was here, and she wanted us back in the room. On April 30 at 11:39 a.m. Layla James Mullins had been born weighing 5 lbs 12 oz and 17 1/2 inches long. We walked in the room, and the mom had Layla in her arms extending her out to me. I took her and instantly fell in love. I handed her over to Josh and hugged this mom... thanking her for this selfless act, and for giving us the greatest gift anyone could ever give. That moment is one I will never forget.
We got to be a part of all of Layla's first... first bottle, first bath, first diaper... everything. After she was born, I never had another worry about a failed adoption. I never felt concerned that this birth mom would sign. It never occurred to me that something could go wrong... because in my world at this time...everything was so right. I was holding the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on, and I knew she was meant to be mine. We spent the rest of the day looking at this perfect baby, and soaking up every second. The hospital gave us our own room for the night, and we got to keep her in there the entire night. I honestly don't think either of us slept, because we had to make sure she was okay any time she made a peep (and that was a lot, because she is the noisiest baby I have ever been around!).
The next morning we took Layla over to the birth mom's room to spend some time with her. I have a feeling that most people would not be comfortable with this... but like I said before, I knew this child was destined to be mine from the moment I laid eyes on her. Later that day, the birth mom was set to sign and make this adoption official. We sat in the room on pins and needles waiting for the agency to let us know it was official. Finally word came, and the papers had been signed... all that was left was our signatures. This was really happening... really! After the required 48 hours in the hospital, we left with this amazingly beautiful tiny bundle of joy. We would not be going home from Utah empty handed this time, or just with the hope of a child. We got to go home with Layla, our daughter.
Two months have passed since her birth, and our lives have been filled with so much joy and happiness. Every day is something new and exciting. We love watching her grow and change. We love that we can call her ours.
Looking back... I now know that our first trip to Utah was not in vain. We were there for a reason... we were there to meet the woman that would give us the most amazing gift in the world. I am so thankful for that failed adoption, because that struggle was just part of our journey. God knows best, and he joined us with the perfect match for us.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Faith in our Future
A couple of weeks ago, I made a routine phone call to check in with our birth mother. We started out our conversation normal as always, asking how the other was doing, and what we have been up to. The conversation ended up taking a strange turn. I guess I should no longer label her "our birth mother"... and I should never have made that assumption that just because we had matched with her that she would be that. She told me that she had changed her mind, and that she was so terribly sorry for the heart ache that she caused me and that she knew we would find a baby for our family. I held my composure and I told her that was okay and wished her all the best for her future. I hung up the phone and lost it. I was not really okay... I put up a front for her, because I knew how hard it was for her to tell me that over the phone. I called Josh to let him know the news. I sobbed into the receiver. I went into the nursery and collapsed in the floor with tears steadily streaming down my face. I knew that I had to talk to our consultant at FAC, so I called her and she was already aware of my situation. I didn't know what I was going to do, and she did her best to console me and calm me down over the phone. She told me that it was okay to grieve.. and that was exactly what I was doing. I was so emotionally involved in this situation with this particular baby... and it had wrecked me. I called one of my best friends and she sobbed over the phone with me.. just as I had done with her other times over other devastation in our lives. I didn't feel any better, but it felt good to have someone to cry with me and pray for me. I text another friend and she said she would pray for me. That was what I needed in my time of despair... God.
I am a part of an adoption support group on Facebook, and I posted my woes on there to get some encouragement. One of the girls posted her sorrys... and at the end had "Psalms 61-63". I grabbed my Bible and turned to those chapters. I immediately had a peace come over me. I decided to call and talk to our agency, and my social worker expected me to be more of a basket case than I was. I asked her how we move forward from this... what do we do? She said that she had two babies that were agency picks, which means that the birth parents want the agency to pick the adoptive family. We would immediately be eligible for one of them. We talked over the situations, and decided to match with a woman that was expecting a little girl at the end of March. Our hearts were broken... but we knew we just had to move on.
A few days later the agency told me that there was talk that our original birth mom might possibly change her mind, and that if she did then we could kind of just wait it out to see what would happen. The original birth mom contacted the agency and said she was sure that she wanted to change her mind, and if we were still open to adopting her daughter, that she wanted to place with us. We prayed about it and very quickly decided that was where we needed to be. I got back in contact with this original mom, and things seemed to be right back on track.
Lets fast forward a little bit to March 4th... I got a phone call from the agency saying that our birth mom was at the hospital and they were going to decide if they would do a c-section that night or not because she had really high blood pressure. The doctors made the call, and around 5:30 PM a baby girl entered this world weighing 5lbs 6oz. We were ecstatic, and caught the next flight out in the morning to go meet this little baby. We were so anxious and excited about this news, and we called all of our close friends and family to let them know that the day we had been waiting on arrived.
We landed in Utah, got our rental car, and drove to the hospital where we hoped to meet our future daughter. We walked in the hospital and my phone rang. It was the birth mom... she asked where we were and I told her we were just down stairs. She said that she needed to let me know that she held the baby and she just couldn't go through with her plan. Here I was again... completely shattered. We had just flown all the way to Utah with our emotions running high and our excitement through the roof just to be shot down yet again. I was shaking in anger... I was broken... I was mad at God in that moment. How could He allow us to get all the way here just to be told that she wasn't going to go through with it?
We spent the next hours in our little tiny rental car sobbing and questioning what would happen next. We felt betrayed and angry... but most of all disappointed because we would be coming back home with an empty car seat. All of our dreams were shattered that day, and all we could do was cry out to God for help. I didn't eat for the remainder of the day, and we just checked into our hotel as soon as we could. I showered and collapsed in the bed. I slept for few hours and then got up and got ready and dressed so we could go get some medicine to make us sleep and help us get rid of our head aches. I truly hoped that Tylenol would help rid myself of my aching heart.
I spent the remainder of the night lying in bed and praying every time I woke up. That next morning I woke up with a sense of peace ... but then every time I would get a text message from a friend or family member either asking about the baby or saying they were sorry, I lost it. I wished I could hide under a rock somewhere, but God kept reminding me that it was a new day, and that He had a plan. At this time, God has not revealed His plan to us, but I truly believe that this was all part of His grand scheme.
People keep telling me how mad they are at that mom, and they couldn't believe what she had done to us. I am not saying that I never felt angry towards her for playing with my emotions, but I can't be mad at her for taking a baby that is hers and she wants. I will never forget this little baby, and I will never stop wishing the best for her. I pray that she has a wonderful life, and that one day she will be a child of God.
Please continue to pray for us on this adoption journey. We have not given up, and we know that God has something big in store for us... we just have to have faith in our future.
I am a part of an adoption support group on Facebook, and I posted my woes on there to get some encouragement. One of the girls posted her sorrys... and at the end had "Psalms 61-63". I grabbed my Bible and turned to those chapters. I immediately had a peace come over me. I decided to call and talk to our agency, and my social worker expected me to be more of a basket case than I was. I asked her how we move forward from this... what do we do? She said that she had two babies that were agency picks, which means that the birth parents want the agency to pick the adoptive family. We would immediately be eligible for one of them. We talked over the situations, and decided to match with a woman that was expecting a little girl at the end of March. Our hearts were broken... but we knew we just had to move on.
A few days later the agency told me that there was talk that our original birth mom might possibly change her mind, and that if she did then we could kind of just wait it out to see what would happen. The original birth mom contacted the agency and said she was sure that she wanted to change her mind, and if we were still open to adopting her daughter, that she wanted to place with us. We prayed about it and very quickly decided that was where we needed to be. I got back in contact with this original mom, and things seemed to be right back on track.
Lets fast forward a little bit to March 4th... I got a phone call from the agency saying that our birth mom was at the hospital and they were going to decide if they would do a c-section that night or not because she had really high blood pressure. The doctors made the call, and around 5:30 PM a baby girl entered this world weighing 5lbs 6oz. We were ecstatic, and caught the next flight out in the morning to go meet this little baby. We were so anxious and excited about this news, and we called all of our close friends and family to let them know that the day we had been waiting on arrived.
We landed in Utah, got our rental car, and drove to the hospital where we hoped to meet our future daughter. We walked in the hospital and my phone rang. It was the birth mom... she asked where we were and I told her we were just down stairs. She said that she needed to let me know that she held the baby and she just couldn't go through with her plan. Here I was again... completely shattered. We had just flown all the way to Utah with our emotions running high and our excitement through the roof just to be shot down yet again. I was shaking in anger... I was broken... I was mad at God in that moment. How could He allow us to get all the way here just to be told that she wasn't going to go through with it?
We spent the next hours in our little tiny rental car sobbing and questioning what would happen next. We felt betrayed and angry... but most of all disappointed because we would be coming back home with an empty car seat. All of our dreams were shattered that day, and all we could do was cry out to God for help. I didn't eat for the remainder of the day, and we just checked into our hotel as soon as we could. I showered and collapsed in the bed. I slept for few hours and then got up and got ready and dressed so we could go get some medicine to make us sleep and help us get rid of our head aches. I truly hoped that Tylenol would help rid myself of my aching heart.
I spent the remainder of the night lying in bed and praying every time I woke up. That next morning I woke up with a sense of peace ... but then every time I would get a text message from a friend or family member either asking about the baby or saying they were sorry, I lost it. I wished I could hide under a rock somewhere, but God kept reminding me that it was a new day, and that He had a plan. At this time, God has not revealed His plan to us, but I truly believe that this was all part of His grand scheme.
People keep telling me how mad they are at that mom, and they couldn't believe what she had done to us. I am not saying that I never felt angry towards her for playing with my emotions, but I can't be mad at her for taking a baby that is hers and she wants. I will never forget this little baby, and I will never stop wishing the best for her. I pray that she has a wonderful life, and that one day she will be a child of God.
Please continue to pray for us on this adoption journey. We have not given up, and we know that God has something big in store for us... we just have to have faith in our future.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Matched?!
I left everyone hanging in the last post. We had presented to a birth mom and were waiting to hear about a baby girl. The wait was excruciating, and once again we weren't chosen. It was okay though, that just wasn't the baby that was planned for us.
That same day that we got our news that we weren't chosen yet again, I received another phone call from our consultant. She asked if we had time to fill out paper work so that we could present if we were interested.. We were in the car on our way home for Thanksgiving, and couldn't really do any paper work for at least 4 more hours. During that car ride we read over the information about the situation we could present for. It seemed like another great scenario, so we prayed together about what to do. The amount of money this one would cost was more than we were expecting, but God gave us a clear answer to take this leap of faith. We called our consultant back and put our yes on the table. She said that as soon as we arrived to our destination, we needed to get an application filled out, scanned in and sent immediately so that we wouldn't miss this chance. We got to my dad's house in West Kentucky at around 3:30 on November 25th. We rushed into the office to get the application printed so that we could fill it out and scan it back. The application was 7 pages long... and at the end had some "essay questions". I hit print on the screen... and nothing happened. We did some trouble shooting, and nothing happened. I began to panic. I just knew we were going to miss this opportunity because of faulty equipment. My dad jumped on the phone and called one of his neighbors. The neighbor said his printer was out of ink. Seriously? He then called another neighbor, and they said I was more than welcome to come over and print it out. I ran next door with my flash drive, and started printing... finally! One page printed, and then... an error message pops up, color ink is out. No big deal, I switch it to black and white only. Error.. Color ink is low. Really?! Why now... I felt as if I had been defeated.
I walked back to my dad's house, very irritated and very sad that this was happening at this important moment in my life. I thought to myself that this was God's way of telling me this wasn't what He wanted us to do, and that we hadn't understood Him earlier when we said yes. I walked back into my dad's house, and he had gotten the printer to work finally, and a copy of the application was in his hand. Praise GOD! He wasn't telling us no, He was just testing my patience... and I failed the test. We sat and filled out the 7 pages of information, and answered our long essays at the end. We got it sent in... just in time! A phone call came later that evening from our consultant. The birth mom wanted to have a conference call with us the next day. I was so nervous, and so concerned that we wouldn't say the right things during our phone call. The conference call was scheduled for 11 a.m., and that was all I could think about for the rest of the night. This was the furthest we had ever gotten in the adoption process.
The time came for our conference call... and we didn't hear anything. We were on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring. 11:00 a.m. had come and gone. 11:10... still nothing. Had the birth mom changed her mind over night? Finally around 11:15 we got a call. A lady from the birth mom's agency was on the phone. She asked us some questions and then told us how the call would work. We then waited for her to patch the birth mom in. I was all nerves.. and then click* we had accidentally been disconnected. A few minutes went by and the phone finally rang again, and we were connected to the birth mom. We then completed our call and had to wait to hear back from the agency to see if the birth mom was still interested in us.
At around 11:40 a.m. on November 26th we received a phone call from our consultant. The first words out of her mouth were... "Congratulations! You have a match!" I was floored, and immediately overwhelmed with emotion. Could this be real?! Did this really happen? The moment we were waiting for... and it still just doesn't seem real.
We recently got a phone call from the agency, and our baby girl, Layla James Mullins, is scheduled to be delivered via c-section on March 21st in Utah. We are aware of the unknowns about adoption, and we have heard about failed adoptions and mothers changing their minds, but right now, we just want to live in the moment. In the end, this may not be the child that God has chosen for us, but right now I just want to be a proud expectant mom of a sweet baby girl.
Rosco and Addie wanted to tell the world...
That same day that we got our news that we weren't chosen yet again, I received another phone call from our consultant. She asked if we had time to fill out paper work so that we could present if we were interested.. We were in the car on our way home for Thanksgiving, and couldn't really do any paper work for at least 4 more hours. During that car ride we read over the information about the situation we could present for. It seemed like another great scenario, so we prayed together about what to do. The amount of money this one would cost was more than we were expecting, but God gave us a clear answer to take this leap of faith. We called our consultant back and put our yes on the table. She said that as soon as we arrived to our destination, we needed to get an application filled out, scanned in and sent immediately so that we wouldn't miss this chance. We got to my dad's house in West Kentucky at around 3:30 on November 25th. We rushed into the office to get the application printed so that we could fill it out and scan it back. The application was 7 pages long... and at the end had some "essay questions". I hit print on the screen... and nothing happened. We did some trouble shooting, and nothing happened. I began to panic. I just knew we were going to miss this opportunity because of faulty equipment. My dad jumped on the phone and called one of his neighbors. The neighbor said his printer was out of ink. Seriously? He then called another neighbor, and they said I was more than welcome to come over and print it out. I ran next door with my flash drive, and started printing... finally! One page printed, and then... an error message pops up, color ink is out. No big deal, I switch it to black and white only. Error.. Color ink is low. Really?! Why now... I felt as if I had been defeated.
I walked back to my dad's house, very irritated and very sad that this was happening at this important moment in my life. I thought to myself that this was God's way of telling me this wasn't what He wanted us to do, and that we hadn't understood Him earlier when we said yes. I walked back into my dad's house, and he had gotten the printer to work finally, and a copy of the application was in his hand. Praise GOD! He wasn't telling us no, He was just testing my patience... and I failed the test. We sat and filled out the 7 pages of information, and answered our long essays at the end. We got it sent in... just in time! A phone call came later that evening from our consultant. The birth mom wanted to have a conference call with us the next day. I was so nervous, and so concerned that we wouldn't say the right things during our phone call. The conference call was scheduled for 11 a.m., and that was all I could think about for the rest of the night. This was the furthest we had ever gotten in the adoption process.
The time came for our conference call... and we didn't hear anything. We were on pins and needles waiting for the phone to ring. 11:00 a.m. had come and gone. 11:10... still nothing. Had the birth mom changed her mind over night? Finally around 11:15 we got a call. A lady from the birth mom's agency was on the phone. She asked us some questions and then told us how the call would work. We then waited for her to patch the birth mom in. I was all nerves.. and then click* we had accidentally been disconnected. A few minutes went by and the phone finally rang again, and we were connected to the birth mom. We then completed our call and had to wait to hear back from the agency to see if the birth mom was still interested in us.
At around 11:40 a.m. on November 26th we received a phone call from our consultant. The first words out of her mouth were... "Congratulations! You have a match!" I was floored, and immediately overwhelmed with emotion. Could this be real?! Did this really happen? The moment we were waiting for... and it still just doesn't seem real.
We recently got a phone call from the agency, and our baby girl, Layla James Mullins, is scheduled to be delivered via c-section on March 21st in Utah. We are aware of the unknowns about adoption, and we have heard about failed adoptions and mothers changing their minds, but right now, we just want to live in the moment. In the end, this may not be the child that God has chosen for us, but right now I just want to be a proud expectant mom of a sweet baby girl.
Rosco and Addie wanted to tell the world...
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